We Took Turns Glazing Eachother w/David Stickle @Davidsticklecomedy -Great To Be Here Podcast Ep.61

Check out David's podcast here:https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/likeable/id1806200786 @likeablepod @davidsticklecomedy Here is the transcript to Amy Schumers 2019 Standup Special Growing: Yes! Thank you so much, Chicago. Thank you. I used to do something a lot of comics do. I would blame my disgusting behavior on the city I was in. You know how people would be like, “Chicago, you got me so fucked up last night!” You know? And the crowd was like, “Okay. We were not here last night.” “Denver! You made me fuck that stranger, no condom. You’re crazy, Denver!” “Armed robbery? Philly, you silly.” “No, ma’am. We are concerned for you.” That’s all over now. Because I’m fucking pregnant! Yeah, I did it. I’m amazing. I laid there, and… that’s it. Usually, when someone in the public eye gets pregnant, there’s, like, a couple of months where there’s some rumors about them, you know? There’s some, like, “Oop, bump alert!” Right? Uh-oh. Uh… I was well into my second trimester. Not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing. I was photographed. Belly out. They’re like, “There’s Amy!” “Looking happy. I don’t know. Doing her.” And then so once people knew, they were like, “Is she showing?” They were like, “No more than normal. Kinda… It just kinda looks like she took her Spanx off.” Yes! Thank you so much, Chicago. Thank you. I used to do something a lot of comics do. I would blame my disgusting behavior on the city I was in. You know how people would be like, “Chicago, you got me so fucked up last night!” You know? And the crowd was like, “Okay. We were not here last night.” “Denver! You made me fuck that stranger, no condom. You’re crazy, Denver!” “Armed robbery? Philly, you silly.” “No, ma’am. We are concerned for you.” That’s all over now. Because I’m fucking pregnant! Yeah, I did it. I’m amazing. I laid there, and… that’s it. Usually, when someone in the public eye gets pregnant, there’s, like, a couple of months where there’s some rumors about them, you know? There’s some, like, “Oop, bump alert!” Right? Uh-oh. Uh… I was well into my second trimester. Not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing. I was photographed. Belly out. They’re like, “There’s Amy!” “Looking happy. I don’t know. Doing her.” And then so once people knew, they were like, “Is she showing?” They were like, “No more than normal. Kinda… It just kinda looks like she took her Spanx off.” I just came so close to shitting myself. You guys don’t… This special almost became a real special. That would have… What would I have done? Kind of just kicked it, and… trusted that you guys would be cool. Is that what I would have done? I have not had an easy pregnancy. I have hyperemesis, which I’d never even heard of. It’s extreme nausea and vomiting. If you’ve ever had food poisoning, it’s that. I’ve had that every day for five months. No, and people are like, “You’re so strong. Look at you out there. You’re on the road.” I’m contractually obligated to be out here, guys. I’m not like, “I don’t care. The show must go on.” I’m like, “I will be sued by Live Nation.” That’s why I’m here. But I feel pretty good tonight, to be honest with you, so… I didn’t throw up today. Uh… Yeah, but I didn’t know that being pregnant could be really hard. Like… I didn’t know that because you bitches all lie about it. Women don’t tell you how hard it is. I should have Googled it. I should have Googled being pregnant. ‘Cause it’s been really awful. ‘Cause in movies, they don’t show you. There’s just a montage where the girl’s in her office and she’s typing, and then she’s like… And she runs to the bathroom, she throws up once! And then in the next scene, she’s in overalls painting a barn. Like, “Yay!” ♪ I can’t wait to meet you ♪ You know? I throw up an exorcist amount every day. And I feel like, you know, if you had a good pregnancy, if you’re someone who enjoyed being pregnant, I just hope your car flips over. That’s… That’s what I wish for you. Your car kind of Chappaquiddicks into a lake, and you just kinda… …slowly… drown. Is that fair to say? Because here’s the thing. You’re pregnant, but you don’t change. I hate women who start to act really just precious and like, “Yes, now I’m… I’m a saint, and I never… I never had sex in a bathroom on a train,” you know? We’ve all had sex in the bathroom on a train. You don’t stop being you, you know. You don’t stop working or drinking. Like, you… You know? I’ve gotten in the habit of asking, uh, friends’ recommendations and advice about pregnancy until I get the answer I want. You know what I mean? I asked my most responsible friend, she’s a nurse. I was like, “So, wine… what do you think? Should I just have some, or what do you think? While I’m pregnant. Wine? Definitely have some, or what do you think?” And… And she was like, “You know what? Just skip it. Just be safe, you know?” And I was like, “Yes, that’s what I thought, but I wanted to hear you say it, so now I’ll tell other people not to drink ever while they’re pregnant. Thank you.